Part 1 left off as I explained the breaking point of my life. I was 25, consumed in an eating disorder, broken, and basically feeling hopeless; which, lucky for me, happens to be the perfect place to begin building your life back up again.
Only I had no idea what that meant, because as far as I was concerned, I HAD been trying countless times and with every desperate attempt, came an even worse failure.
Until one day, when everything changed.
Well, actually nothing on the outside changed. But, absolutely everything on the inside did. I can only give credit for my healing and recovery to that fact that in my darkest hour and rock bottom moment, I found God. And in that, I found love, forgiveness, and a wholeness that I had never felt before. For the first time in my life, there was a spark of hope in me and I knew this time would be different.
This was the point where I made a choice to fight for a better life, trust the promises of God, and refuse to stop until I achieved that. It was no longer about being skinnier, or having things, or being in a certain place in my life that dictated my happiness. It was only about learning to love myself, my whole self, as me, for really the first time.
I remember kneeling beside my bed crying because all I wanted to be was normal; to look at myself without hate, to look at food without fear, and to live a day without obsession. This part of the journey was not easy because everything I had ever conditioned my brain to think or feel focused on these things and trying to think and believe beyond that was tough.
I can’t say it was easy. In fact, it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but I kept pushing and fighting for the life that I wanted and little by little, the way I felt towards myself and food changed. All stigmas, fears, rules, and worries became less and less important and just being happy doing my thing became the new norm.
It may have taken 5 years, but I have realized my relationship with myself and food is pretty much at that “normal” I was desperate for. I can truly say that I have never enjoyed food in such a freeing way and I don’t really plan on ever changing that. Oddly enough, I found the more I started living this way and letting go of dictating food rules, the more my body started feeling better, changing, and slimming down to what you see me as today…
And yet now I write a post about struggling with insecurities and body image issues and it just doesn’t make sense to me.
So that brings me to today, where it is extremely difficult to put my thoughts and feelings onto paper and I am finding it hard to figure out where I stand on the healthy vs. non-healthy spectrum of life…but then again, I wonder, do any of us really know?
Sure we all want to be healthy and do the best we can but given so many inputs, world views, and everything else bombarding us…what does that even look like?
On one hand, I feel now more than ever my life is in balance, food doesn’t seem to be an issue, my weight is what it is naturally, and overall I am very happy inside and out. But on the other hand, I am obviously struggling with these insecure feelings and am the first to admit that I don’t have it all figured out…so what the heck’s a girl to do?
Basically, all I can come up with is to just give myself a freakin’ break for once.
Seriously, right now I am so hyper focused on trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, that I am completely losing sight of the fact that I have overcome some serious obstacles! That is something that should be celebrated, not discouraged!
The more I think about it, in one-way shape or form, we all struggle from time to time. Every single one of us is broken, flawed, and trying to live the best life we can given the circumstances we’ve been given. I probably sound insensitive, but I actually find a lot comfort in knowing that… I guess because it makes me feel like I’m not alone in the struggle.
What I want to do for myself is, instead of trying to psychoanalyze how on earth these feeling have re-surfaced, is to just own up to the fact that they have and refuse to believe any of it.
Like every bump in this journey (not just food related) my desire for a better life out weighs every negative thought my brain comes up with. That drive is what keeps me focused and keeps me fighting.